Not Quite The Idea

Gulliver passed the boundaries into a strange country named “Notquiterightistand” where people seemed to grow up out of the ground from the shoulders up. At the same time a low, indecipherable chant could be heard bubbling up from under the ground. Curious, Gulliver took a stethoscope and placed it against the earth from which these bodies sprouted and the indecipherable mantra suddenly became coherent. In a thousand different timbres and a million different pitches Gulliver could make out the unmistakable words repeated endlessly … “God is Sovereign.”

A Story With A Happy Ending

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST

I was the white guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message.

I’d like to apologize. I didn’t expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and the reason wasn’t that it was cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.

Beautiful pistol, eh? It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it? I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home that took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet. I than threw your wallet in a fancy pink “pimp mobile” parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service. I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.


PS: Remember this motto …… “God created man equal, and Mr. Colt kept them that way.”


Gideon Redux

25 Now it came to pass the same night that the LORD said to him (Bret), “Take your father’s young bull, the second bull of seven years old, and tear down the altar of the state that your people have taken, and destroy principled pluralism (multiculturalism) that is produced by it; 26 and build an altar to the LORD your God on top of this rock in the proper arrangement, and take the second bull and offer a burnt sacrifice with the wood of the image which you shall cut down.” 27 So Bret took ten men from among his servants and did as the LORD had said to him. But because he feared (Bret had always been plagued by cowardice) his father’s household and the Radical two Kingdom men of the church who propped up the city of man by their “theology” too much to do it by day, he did it by night.

28 And when the Radical Two Kingdom men of the church who propped up the city of man with their “theology” arose early in the morning, there was the altar of the state, torn down; and the principled pluralism (multiculturalism) that it produced was beside it, and the second bull was being offered on the altar which had been built. 29 So they said indignantly to one another, “Who has done this thing?” And when they had inquired and asked, they said, “Bret the son of David has done this thing.” 30 Then the Radical Two Kingdom men of the church who propped up the city of man with their “theology” said to David, “Bring out your son, that he may die, because he has torn down the altar of Baal, and because he has cut down the principle pluralism (multiculturalism) that it produced.” 31 But David said to all who stood against him, “Would you plead for the state and principled pluralism? Would you save it? Let the one who would plead for it be defrocked by morning! If the state is god, let the state plead for himself, because his principle pluralism has been torn down!” 32 Therefore on that day he called him Jerubstate, saying, “Let the state plead against him, because he has torn down his principled pluralism.”

You know you might be Republican …

if where a spine is supposed to be there is linguine instead.

if you’re more afraid of the news media then you are the voters.

if you think big government is bad unless your party is in charge.

if your goal is to simply “moderate” Democratic ideas and policy.

if you think it “crafty” of you when you make sure the Democrats get only 95% of what they want.

if you think Ron Paul is an extremist.

if you’ve never read a book.

if you can’t decide who is better looking … Nancy Pelosi or the Congressional pageboys.

if you took John McCain seriously.

if you can’t make the connection between the Warfare State and the Nanny State.

if you could proudly say without cracking up …. “George W. Bush is my President.”

if you never doubted “weapons of mass destruction.”

if you thought the worst thing that Clinton did in the White House was to get serviced by an intern.

if the phrases “monetary policy,” “fiat money,” “fractional reserve banking” and “inflationary cycle,” find you scrambling for a dictionary.

if you’re genetically incapable of realizing that the lesser of two evils remains evil.

You know you might be Democrat …

If you got knocked up in order to collect a larger government check because you couldn’t afford your three children by three different men.

If you were glad for the government bailout because it allowed you to take your trip to the Riviera with your mistress.

If you were able to base your recent bank mortgage loan on the fact that you had had three jobs in two weeks.

If you cheated on your taxes and knew it wouldn’t matter much unless you were nominated to be the Secretary of the Treasury.

If you think that drinking copious amounts of Liquor is a cure for a hangover or if you think that borrowing more money is a cure for debt.

If you think that it is necessary to teach 1st graders what a dildo is while showing films on how homosexuals couple.

If you hate God even though you are convinced that he doesn’t exist.

If, while shoveling your sidewalk clean of the 24 inches of snow you have received daily for the past week, you keep warm in the sub zero cold by looking forward to legislation that will stop global warming.

If you consider Barney Frank a role model for America’s children.

If you think women should have a right to choose to kill their children but you don’t think Americans should have the right to choose to keep and bear arms.

If you think Republicans are conservative.

If you were one of the 1.8 million that attended the Obama inauguration but not one of the 14 who had a job and so had to miss work.