If A Politically Correct Version of the Lord of the Rings Were Written Today

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. With that in mind we are kind of imitating the great J. R. R. Tolkien in this piece imagining what the Middle Earth would have been like if his creativity had fallen into the hands of a Politically author.

1.) First it would be easy to imagine in a 21st century PC version of the “Lord of the Rings,” that Sauron and Saruman would have been much more subtle in their drive for conquest. Instead of invading they would have teamed up as International Financier Elitists and emigrated the Dweefsums into the Shire in order to conquer the Shire. Further, Saruman and Sauron would have appealed to the Hobbits altruism and convinced them that assimilating with the Dweefsums was the compassionate thing to do. Eventually Mayor Whitfoot of Hobbiton as well as the Thain of the Shire became convinced that this was good policy and placed in charge of the Orc Immigration process (OIP) Ted Sandyman and Lotho Sackville-Baggins. After some time, with the success of the OIP,  the schools of Hobbiton began to teach the Hobbiton children that mating with Dweefums was a noble thing to do.

Over the passage of time Merry and Pippin and Samwise pushed for the legalization of male mengae-a-trois relationships and they were finally Knighted when their long fought for legislation finally passed.

2.) With the passage of time, Denethor, by using the Palantír  (seeing stone) saw how hopeless his situation was and so convinced his ruling council that accommodation was the best course for Gondor and so embraced a “keep the Great Gate open” policy toward Minias Tirith and so was a open invitation to the citizens of Osgiliath.

3.) Eventually, the Rohirrim gave up their women folk preferring bestiality after a decades long study was published by a Dr. Alfred Kinsomer that confirmed that the Rohirrim were indeed closer to their horses than to their women.  Over the course of time a proper perspective of History was arrived at and so there was outlawed any celebrations of the Rohirrim’s victory at Helm’s Deep. Indeed a generation was raised up that tore down the monuments to Theoden gallantly fighting on Snowmane and of Eomer supporting his Uncle in Battle. What took their place was a monument to the Uruk-Hai instead, who – it turns out – were the real victims of the battle of Helm’s deep.

4.) Aragorn finally divorced Arwen Evenstar and married Farimer. Arwen finally gave into her Transgender Man soul and shacked up with her own Father Elrond. After Aragorn abdicated the throne the “Mouth of Sauron” took over the throne of Gondor and he, in turn, made the Nazgul his privy council.

5.)  Gondor families started adopting lovely little Easterlings and accused everybody else who was not doing the same of sinning. And with each adopted Easterling, Haradrim, and Umbarian the Churches in Gondor rang their bells and celebrated their nobility for being so caring.  Indeed, even when it was clear that the Easterling, Haradrim, and Umbarian adopted children were corrupting their own seed, it didn’t matter since the Easterlings, Haradrim and Umbarians were a missionary projects.

6.) The Gondorian Naval forces were disbanded when it was realized that the Pirates of Umbar were simply “misunderstood.” The leadership of Gondor came to realize that the Pirates of Umbar would instantly drop down their weapons once they would see the tolerant shores of Anfalas.

7.) Equality was finally arrived at in the West when the Pukel men were invited to intermarry with the women of Dale. Also, Elves and Dwarves began to have marital concourse so that a new race of Dwelfs was formed. The Dwelfs though were a insecure people never having a clear identity of who they were.
 8.) The Wizards were found out to be of a long ignoble line made of the limited quantity of something called “White Light.” These Wizards were created by the wicked Valor and so finally understood to be as wicked as Grima Wormtongue had once warned King Theoden about.  Wormtongue knew all of this all along! Oy vey, Wormtongue! You have always been our greatest ally!
 9.) Galadriel was the great great great Grandmother of Angela Merkle and like her illustrious great great great Granddaughter was a key link in finally inviting the natural enemies of the Elves to integrate into Lothlorien.

10.) Gollum was declared to be a great civil rights leader and a Middle Earth holiday was established in his honor, during which the utes of Gondor would celebrate his contributions to cultural diversity by pillaging and ransacking various Merchants of Gondor while playing a game called Out-Knock. Raw Fish was considered a delicacy among the Utes during this celebration.  Indeed, eventually a Statue was raised of Gollum in the Hobbiton city square. (The statue though was made by a woodelf and as such Gollum, in his statue, looked suspiciously like a wood elf.) Further, every city in the West, large or small, had a street named ‘Gollum Smeagol –The King,’ Street.

Later it would be discovered that “Doctor” Gollum Smeagol — The King,  had plagiarized large portions of his Ph.D. dissertation, as well as his iconic “I Have a Precious” speech, from the writings of several Elven academics and at least one River-folk preacher.  Also, later it was celebrated that Dr. Gollum Smeagol — The King, had also plagiarized large portions of his “Letter from a Wood-Elf jail” correspondence.

11.) Black Hearted Huorn Ents tried to fit into the ruling councils of men but, always needing a filibuster just to introduce themselves, they had long since gone, once again, looking for Entwives.

Hat Tip — Habakkuk Mucklewrath, Durand Gregory, Dunns Thomas,  Cherry Nathanson.

Author: jetbrane

I am a Pastor of a small Church in Mid-Michigan who delights in my family, my congregation and my calling. I am postmillennial in my eschatology. Paedo-Calvinist Covenantal in my Christianity Reformed in my Soteriology Presuppositional in my apologetics Familialist in my family theology Agrarian in my regional community social order belief Christianity creates culture and so Christendom in my national social order belief Mythic-Poetic / Grammatical Historical in my Hermeneutic Pre-modern, Medieval, & Feudal before Enlightenment, modernity, & postmodern Reconstructionist / Theonomic in my Worldview One part paleo-conservative / one part micro Libertarian in my politics Systematic and Biblical theology need one another but Systematics has pride of place Some of my favorite authors, Augustine, Turretin, Calvin, Tolkien, Chesterton, Nock, Tozer, Dabney, Bavinck, Wodehouse, Rushdoony, Bahnsen, Schaeffer, C. Van Til, H. Van Til, G. H. Clark, C. Dawson, H. Berman, R. Nash, C. G. Singer, R. Kipling, G. North, J. Edwards, S. Foote, F. Hayek, O. Guiness, J. Witte, M. Rothbard, Clyde Wilson, Mencken, Lasch, Postman, Gatto, T. Boston, Thomas Brooks, Terry Brooks, C. Hodge, J. Calhoun, Llyod-Jones, T. Sowell, A. McClaren, M. Muggeridge, C. F. H. Henry, F. Swarz, M. Henry, G. Marten, P. Schaff, T. S. Elliott, K. Van Hoozer, K. Gentry, etc. My passion is to write in such a way that the Lord Christ might be pleased. It is my hope that people will be challenged to reconsider what are considered the givens of the current culture. Your biggest help to me dear reader will be to often remind me that God is Sovereign and that all that is, is because it pleases him.

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