What can you get me for my Birthday?
1.) The Gospel Coalition goes bankrupt
2.) Together 4 The Gospel is converted
3.) Ron Burns becomes an officially recognized stand up comic
4.) Ligon Duncan Does the voice over for a Foghorn Leghorn animated movie
5.) A membership for John Piper to the NRA
6.) Joe Carter actually reading what he writes before published
7.) The understanding that it is not mean to put MLK in the same sentence as the word “whores.”
8.) Joe Biden has a day where he remembers what it was like to be Joe Biden
9.) The PCA revoices their denomination
10.) Kevin DeYoung decides being “cool” is no longer his life goal
11.) Al Mohler no longer is allowed to be in charge of hiring and firing people
12.) Doug Wilson learns what a false dichotomy is
13.) Tim Keller repents before the pancreatic cancer metastasizes
14.) Aimee Byrdd gets a publicity photo AFTER getting her hair and nails done
15.) Rev. Todd Bordow decides bestiality should be a crime
16.) Darryl Gnostic Hart changes his mind and admits that Nero did violate God’s law by executing Christians
17.) John MacArthur realizes the contradiction in being both Dispensational AND Reformed
18.) Rev. Greg Johnson gets a non-gay haircut
19.) Russel Moore would realize that funding Mosques with Baptist money is not Christlike.
20.) Mike Horton would no longer support same-sex cohabiting as long as the word “marriage” isn’t used.
21.) R. Scott Clark is demoted from “I’m the God of what it means to be Reformed.”
22.) Westminster Seminary California moves to Seoul Korea. It would make it easier on all their students.
23.) R.C. Sproul Jr., Doug Phillips, Tullian Tchvidijian, Mark Driscoll and Bill Hybels hold a conference on “They Used To Hang On Our Every Word & We made Millions.”
24.) Gordon Clark, Van Til, Bahnsen, and Rushdoony finally get the respect they deserve.
25.) The Reformed world realizes that Critical Race theory was supposed to be the punch-line to a really bad joke.
26.) Carl Trueman would live up to his last name.
27.) J. V. Fesko… dude, you have to quit writing books on apologetics. I’m wearing myself out with laughter.
28.) The OPC finally admits… “Yes, we are really a Sorority.”
29.) The PCA finally admits… “About those San Francisco bath-houses….”
30.) David VanDrunnen’s confession, “I was getting stoned with my Jesuit Bro’s when I first thought of R2K.”
31.) Sodomite but celibate ministers who want to tell the world that they are sodomite but celibate is no longer a thing.
32.) Joel Belz and Marvin Olasky are required to publish a magazine from the perspective of a Christian Worldview.
33.) Matt Chandler compares his sermons to the writings of Marx
34.) I no longer have to mumble incoherently to hide my shame when someone asks, “So, what do you do for a living.”
35.) The brick and mortar Conservative American Seminaries at my front door … all in a pile of rubble.
36.) Sean Michael Lucas’ classrooms and church pews are empty when he teaches
37.) Peter Leithart would repent of Federal Vision
38.) The members of Joel Beeke’s Church discover the ability to look outside of themselves to Christ and so take communion.
39.) Churches all across America closed on Sundays with little signs that say, “Will be reopening when we take all this seriously.”
40.) Dr. Joe Boot’s influence expands in proportion to his moving in the right direction on the familialism issue.
41.) Kim Burgess gets the hearing he deserves and the respect his knowledge of Biblical theology demands.
42.) Mark Chambers, Dan Brannan, and Mickey Henry are each made teaching Elders somewhere in America.
43.) Sam Perry receives a call from a congregation who will cherish and honor his abundant abilities.
44.) Baptists of the world deciding once and for all if they are going to follow their ecclesiology as Anabaptists or their soteriology as Reformed.
45.) Lutherans realizing that they cannot be both Arminian and Reformed.
46.) Every Cultural Marxist minister out of their pulpits so that their Church pulpits would be gloriously empty on Sundays.
47.) That a millstone would be placed around the neck of the New Perspective on Paul and so be cast into the sea.
48.) The ability to decide if the covenant is monopleuric or diplueric and if both where and how and in what ways.
49.) Deep and sustained Repentance by D. A. Carson for creating “The Gospel Coalition.”
50.) The ability to meld all the strengths and eliminate all the weaknesses of Gordon H. Clark and Cornelius Van Til.
51.) The ability of Reformed ministers who are evidentialists to repent of their Arminianism.
52.) Seminary programs requiring courses that explain, disassemble, and banish all forms of Marxism as expressions of the Christian faith.
53.) Fathers that catechize their children with the confessions as existing in Worldviews.
54.) The embracing of Biblical Kinism just as our Fathers embraced it for centuries. (See Achord & Dow book for proof)
55.) The reversal of the influence of postmillennialism and amillennialism upon the modern church.
56.) Joel McDurmon finally gets his wish to Pastor a Black Marxist congregation.
57.) Bojidar Marinov is returned to Bulgaria for violating his visa.
58.) Gary North publicly repents for calling his father-in-law a racist in “Baptized Patriarchalism.”
59.) That any idiot who goes about with racism on his lips should be boiled in fatback and buried with a stake of turnip greens through his heart.
60.) That every Pastor should serve as loving and generous a congregation as exists at Charlotte Christ the King Reformed Church.
61.) That all Biblical Christians everywhere would have the kind of blessed life I have had.
62.) People who believe that “race is a social construct” would quit writing books seeking to explain why CRT is evil.
62.) People who believe that “race is a social construct” would quit writing books seeking to explain why CRT is evil.
It’s my Birthday and I’ll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to
You would cry too
If this happened to you.
